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Text File  |  1996-10-21  |  5KB  |  99 lines
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  7.       _____________       _/_/     | | \ \          _/_/     _____________
  8.      |  ___________     _/_/       | |  \ \       _/_/       ___________  |
  9.      | |              _/_/_____    | |   > >    _/_/_____               | |
  10.      | |             /________/    | |  / /    /________/               | |
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  15.      | |                           |_/                                  | |
  16.      | |                                                                | |
  17.      | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |
  18.      | |________________________________________________________________| |
  19.      |____________________________________________________________________|
  20.  
  21.   ...presents...                   My Bug-Pal
  22.                                                          by Nik
  23.                                                          06/01/1996-#316
  24.  
  25.              __///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
  26.                \\\\\\\/  Everything You Need Since 1986  \///////
  27.   ___    _   _    ___     _   _    ___       _   _      ___    _   _      ___
  28.  |___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
  29.  
  30.      The fourteen-headed cockroach crawled out of my rectum and began demanding
  31. rights of all sorts.  It was four o'clock in the morning.  A team of media
  32. weasels smashed down the door, flipped me on to my stomach, and proceeded to
  33. conduct an interview.
  34.  
  35.      "I vant a smull bowl of chili!" the cockroach bellowed in a strange German
  36. accent.
  37.  
  38.      "We're live on location!" drooled the media weasels.
  39.  
  40.      I went back to sleep.
  41.  
  42.      Hours later, the cockroach's demands had been met.  He had his chili,
  43. several high-powered rifles, and a very expensive and elaborate computer
  44. system.  All this in exchange for his story, which he sold to _The National
  45. Enquirer_.
  46.  
  47.      Weeks later, _The National Enquirer_ ran the story: "14-Headed Cockroach
  48. Lives in Rectum for Four Months!"
  49.  
  50.      "Four months?!" I screamed, "You only paid rent for three, you bastard
  51. bug!"
  52.  
  53.      He was snotty.  "Don't fook vit me, buddy, I bin a fooking meedia EVENT!"
  54.  
  55.      I threatened the bug's life, and soon the fourteen-headed cockroach had
  56. his lawyer on the phone.  The lease was broken and the cockroach went and moved
  57. into the armpit of a Russian chess player who lived across town.
  58.  
  59.      Two years later, a phone call awoke me in the middle of the night.  It was
  60. the fourteen-headed cockroach, now reduced to twelve heads due to a bar-room
  61. brawl.  He was drunk and depressed.  He threatened to kill himself if I didn't
  62. help him.  I told him to screw off.  "Go ahead!" I screamed.  "Kill yourself!
  63. See if I care!
  64.  
  65.      I was furious, sleepy, and glad the bug was out of my life.  I was out of
  66. control.  If I'd only known what my words forced the fourteen (twelve)-headed
  67. cockroach to do.  He killed himself by leaping into the open mouth of a
  68. sleeping woman.  She chewed and swallowed, unaware.  She was an innocent tool
  69. of the cockroach.  I only found out because of a letter he sent me.  It
  70. was a suicide note.
  71.  
  72.           "Der Nik,
  73.                Fook you.  Zee verlde is a boig plez.
  74.                I've lept intozee mout of a vomen
  75.                by de time you getz diz.
  76.  
  77.                     14 headed cockroach"
  78.  
  79.      Tragedy comes in many forms.  I'll never forget that fourteen-headed
  80. cockroach.  To everyone else, he may have just been a _National Enquirer_
  81. event.  To me he was a friend, sort of.  Actually, he was more of a jerk.
  82. Anyhow.  If only it had been me who'd eaten him.  Why, God, why?
  83.      .-.                             _   _                             .-.
  84.     /   \           .-.             ((___))             .-.           /   \
  85.    /     \         /   \       .-.  [ x x ]  .-.       /   \         /     \
  86.  -/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\   /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
  87.  /         \     /       \   /     `-(' ')-'     \   /       \     /         \
  88.   WORLDWIDE \   /         `-'         (U)         `-'         \   / WORLDWIDE
  89.              `-'                     .ooM                      `-'     _
  90.       Oooo                                                            / )   __
  91.  /)(\ (   \  Copyright (c)1996 Nik and cDc communications.           /  (/\
  92.  \__/  )  / All rights reserved.  Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \   ) \)(/
  93.        (_/     is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011,    oooO  _
  94.   oooO         Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A.  Edited by Swamp Ratte'.  __   ( \
  95.  /   ) /)(\                                                          /  \  )  \
  96.  \  (  \__/        Save yourself!  Go outside!  Do something!        \)(/ (   /
  97.   \_)                      "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US"                     Oooo
  98.  
  99.